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Mikey was driving through
Later in the afternoon, after finally getting the truck fixed, the truck driver is driving through DC and he spots Mikey walking along holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amazement of a large crowd. He brings his truck to a quick halt and asks Mikey why the chimps are not at the zoo. Mikey replies, “Well actually we have been there and it was free, so I figured I’d take them to see the other sites and then buy them some ice cream.”
When Mikey first opened his office in
The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years. In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc. The other day, I spotted Mikey looking at the photos and thought I’d see what he thought about the pictures. So, I walk up to Mikey and make a few comments about the team's history. Mikey, responds, “Yes, but isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"
A beautiful young woman pulled into the parking lot of the Giant in
Along comes Mikey and spots the beautiful young woman. He watches her for a few minutes in amazement and thinks to himself, “Wow a beautiful babe but what a dummy. Maybe even dumb enough to go out with me.” He decides to impress her and try to pick her up with his worldly knowledge. So he approaches the beautiful young woman and says, “Hi. Can I give you little bit of advice? You really don’t have to do that if you put your car in park.”
Mikey finally got tired of hanging around the antique flea market pretending to be boss; people laughing about him and ridiculing him behind his back, so he decided to hang himself. A few minutes later his girlfriend walks into the garage and finds him hanging by his wrists. “What are you doing,” she yells at him? Mikey tells her, “I’m hanging myself.” Even his girlfriend thinks he’s an idiot, but nevertheless is really confused and says, “if you are hanging yourself, the rope should be around your neck.” To which Mikey replies, “No duh!! I tried that but I couldn’t breath.”
Mikey has his old pickup truck loaded up to for the flea market and starts barreling along down the road. He comes to an overpass and the sign says, “Clearance 10’ 2.”” So Mikey dutifully gets out of his truck and starts measuring. To his chagrin, he has stacked his junk to high and it measures 10”5”. What to do what to do thinks Mikey, and then he looks around and says to himself . . . “Oh, what the heck, there aren’t any cops around, I’ll just take a chance.”
It’s late at night and Mikey and his girlfriend are driving home from a party with a couple of open Budweisers when they spot a police road block. “It’s a police road block,” says his buddy but Mikey is quick thinking. He stops the car and tells his buddy, “quickly, finish up your beer, then peel off the label and place on your forehead.” “What for?” says his buddy and Mikey tells him to be quite and just let him do the talking. They finished their beers and continued driving up to the checkpoint. The officer leans in the window and looks at Mikey and the label that’s plastered on his forehead and asks, “You guys been drinking tonight?” To which Mikey proudly answers, “No siree, we’re on the patch.”
Mikey decides that he’s tired of city life and goes out and buys a farm. Mikey contemplates and decides that the best thing to do with all this land is to start a chicken farm. So off he goes and buys one hundred chickens to start off with and get the place running. The chicken dealer looked at him funny when he came back a month later and bought another hundred chickens. After another month, Mikey comes in again and wants another hundred chickens. The dealer asks him, “Why are you buying so many chickens?” To which Mikey replies in a dismayed tone, “I thought chicken farming was going to be easy but I must be planting them too deeply.”
Mikey and his colleague at work were talking about how the boss left early everyday and left them there to do his dirty work. As they are talking, Mikey comes up with one of his bright ideas and tells his friend, “hey look, the boss leaves early everyday and he never comes back or calls to check on us. I think today we should just leave right after he does.” His colleague agrees and about thirty minutes after boss leaves Mikey and his partner slip out and go home.
His partner makes it home and is elated to be able to get a quick workout before going to meet his girlfriend for dinner. Mikey goes home and after walking through the front door, he hears muffled sounds coming from the bedroom. Slowly and quietly, Mikey cracks open the door and sees his boss in the room with his girlfriend. So he quietly closes the door and leaves. The next day, his colleague asks Mikey if he wanted to leave early again and Mikey says, “Are you crazy, we can’t leave early again, I almost got caught.”
Mikey and his just as silly new girlfriend were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy. Mikey was ecstatic with joy and couldn’t wait to hold and talk to the baby. On the way home from the adoption center they stopped by the local college so that they could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the registration form, the woman in admissions asked them, “whatever inspired you to study the Russian language?” Mikey proudly spoke for the both of them when he answered, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Since Mikey is no longer in the antique flea market business he decided to move out to a farm. On this farm he has a hard working mule. The only problem is that the mule hates to go back into its stall because its ears would brush up against the top of the entrance and the mule would then proceed to go nuts and kick everything. So brilliant as Mikey is he decides that what he will do is cut out the top of the entrance for more clearance.
As he is working his neighbor stops by and asks Mikey what he is doing. So Mikey tells him and the neighbor suggests to him that he could save a lot of time by just taking a shovel and digging down the entrance a little bit. Mikey looks at in that bewildered way of his and says, “that would be fine if his feet were too long, but the problem is that his ears are too long.”
Mikey was working on his computer the other day in his office, nobody knows exactly what he does but the computer IT department took notice that he was trying to download things off the Internet. So they log him off the computer and give him a long lecture about downloading things off of the Internet and the dangers to the integrity of the system in doing so.
Mikey looks sheepish but agrees not to download anything else and the IT guy proceeds to try to log him back into his computer. He asks Mikey for his password and Mikey tells him his password is “genius.” After several attempts at trying to log into the computer and getting a little frustrated because the computer is not allowing him back on the server, the IT guys asks Mikey, “how do you spell it?” Mikey says, “duh . . . genius . . . j – e – n – i – o – u – s”
Mikey buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
So the woman again explains to Mikey that it doesn’t work that way and that she could only give him a million today, to which Mikey replies, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it now. If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''
Mikey is feeling good about himself and wants to celebrate by buying himself a present. So he is roaming around Sears when he runs into Billy the salesman in the small appliances section. Billy asks him what he is looking for and Mikey explains that he just wants to buy himself a present. Billy says to Mikey, “You are in luck! We have this great new coffee machine that you can pre-set to make your coffee in the morning.”
This gets Mikey excited, a new gadget to play with. So Billy goes on to explain how everything works; how to plug it in and set the timer, go to bed and then when he got up the coffee would be ready. A few weeks later, Mikey is again roaming around Sears when he runs into Billy again. Billy asks, “Hey Mikey, how do you like that new coffee machine?” Mikey says, “Wonderful, except I don’t understand one thing. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want a cup of coffee?”
Mikey goes to his new psychiatrist’s office and settles into the couch. When he is nice an comfy, the psychiatrist begins his therapy session and said, “Mikey, I’m not aware of your problem, so perhaps you should begin at the top. “Of course,” Dumb Mikey replies, “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . .”